Fuck BING

I ran a search on my blog today. Little did I know that my search engine was the piece of shit that is BING. Superman was not listed in the search. I then searched it on google and the first hit was Superman. So basically Bing can go suck a large fat piece of chicken cutlet.

Facebook

Over the past few months I have been taking my friend's blackberry when her guard is down and setting embarrasing facebook statuses. It went on so long her aunt(who happens to be her facebook friend) began commenting on these statuses saying that whoever was doing this was "immature" and suggested to my friend to get new friends. My friend throughly embarrased, first blocked her aunt on facebook and then sadly blocked me from her phone via a lock.(Note to all I will figure out how to get around the lock). So in honor of the facebook film The Social Network, I offer you five of the posts

1. Senior year starting off with a bang love yyou girlsssssss


2. workin like a dawggg at da p double o l


3. To quote Wayne Coyne "life goes fast/its hard to make the good times last" lets savor these last months together girls


4. feeling like the worlds sassiest spitfire... if you agree like this super statusss!!!


5. vtown lifeguard girls were undeniable. daisy dukes one pieces on top

Has Eugene Levy Ever Been In A Movie Other Than an American Pie

Today at lunch I was forced to choose between watching Maid in Manhattan on FX or American Pie Beta House on Comedy Central. After much consideration I decided I couldn't watch a movie based on the presence of Patrick Dempsy alone so I chose the American Pie which happens to be the sixth in this series. About ten minutes in, much to my surprise,method actor Eugene Levy entered into the picture. I actually take that back, I was not surprised that Eugene Levy appeared and he is not a method actor, he literally plays the same character in every movie, and every movie for him happens to be an American Pie movie. I really don't think Mr. Levy has appeared in a movie that's title does not begin with American Pie. Once again I correct myself, he has also appeared in the masterpiece Cheaper By The Dozen Two. I actually think Mr. Levy might not actually exist outside of these movies. I am going to go as far as say that there is no such person as Eugene Levy and that he is a creation by the directors of the American Pie series.

My Not So Epic Return

I am sorry to all of you who have spent the days since August 15 depraved with lack of Superman posts. But in true Shwarzennegar fasion "I am back." We all know about the economic downturn of our country. Our country can barely afford to pay its debts and is on the verge of bankruptcy. I propose a solution to fix this, it entails selling sponsorships to all our nations landmarks in order to raise revenue. Here are some early proposals.

The Washington Mutual Monument
The White Castle House
The Food and Drug Administration brought to you by Wendy's
Smith and Wesson's Smithsonian Institute
Macy's Department of the Interior (Martha Stewart Certified)
The Mall of America's National Mall
Chick-fiLincoln Memorial

Eight Great Places to Take a Vuvuzela

1. A Tennis Match
2. A Movie Theater
3. An Art Museum
4. A Library
5. A Golf Course
6. A Wake
7. A Church
8. An Emergency Room

The Three Funnest Things to Do While You Wait For the Shower to Warm Up

1. Distort and Manipulate your face in the mirror.
2. Distort and Manipulate your voice while you look in the mirror.
3. Distort and Manipulate your face and voice while you sing the entire album In the Aeroplane Over the Sea by Neutral Milk Hotel, in the mirror.

The Aquarium

While I was in New Orleans our group of volunteers went to the Aquarium in that lovely city. Aquariums are always a great time, you know. Seeing little sea critters trapped behind glass which you can tap on in order to torture them, I really can't think of more fun things than that. But torturing the fish was really all just a blur and I can only really recall three things from this nautical nonsence. First was my ultimate stare down with those infernal spawns of satan, the disgusting, the fowl, Moray Eels. I have an absolute compulsive fear of these satanic creatures of the deep so when I first saw them out of the corner of my eye I tried to walk away but I couldn't. So I manned up went in front of the tank, stared the eel in the eyes and said "F*** You, I am not F****** scared of you you piece of shit." My next memory is the Barracuda Exhibit. I have held a grunge against the entire race of Barracudas after their behavior in Finding Nemo, and I made sure they knew it. I put my face up to the glass and said, "I know what you did to Nemo's family and if there wasn't a layer of plexiglass in front of us so help me god I would spear you right between your two ugly eyes." When he didn't answer me I began to bang on the glass and curse at them. Apparently this was inappropriate because Aquarium Security pulled me off the glass and escorted me out. On my way out they escorted me through the Gulf of Mexico exhibit and out of the corner of my eye I spotted the sponsers of the exhibit. At the top of that list was none other than BP. Aren't aquariums great.

New Orleans

Everyone I am sorry I will be leaving you for at least the next week. I am going to New Orleans and will be gone. On that note it is definately not reassuring to see that the weather is calling for some sort of tropical storm.

That Guy: That Guy Who Runs to the Rides at Water Parks

Today I was at a Water Park(thus the evident theme of the day). While I was there, I was that guy who runs to every ride. Who has to be there first. That guy who will beat you to the ride at all costs in order to go quicker. That guy who is willing to trample over your three your daughter in order to get on more rides. I was that jerk off.

The Water Park Song Song

Water Parks are Fun
You go there in the sun.
One Day I will own one.

It will have sharks at the bottom of every ride,
Barracudas at the bottom of every slide,
And Moray Eels on each tank's inside.

When the ride is finished
Your excitement won't be diminished
As you race these sea monsters you'll scream "blavinished"

Water Parks are Fun
You go there in the sun
One day I will own one.

I will not feed the monsters I keep
I will make them hungry beyond belief
So beware as you go sliding into the deep.

They will probably not have eaten for days
And your aroma will attract them like women to gays.
But this doesn't matter because I will be counting the money you pay.

Water Parks are Fun
You go there in the sun.
One Day I will own one.

Our food will be of first class.
But it won't be striped bass.
It will be something you won't want to pass.

The remains of the people who don't survive the treachorous swim
Is what will be served, so you'll eat a her or a him.
I assure you the taste is not very dim.

Water Parks are Fun
You go there in the sun.
One Day I will own one.

The National Anthem

We are all familiar with our nations National Anthem, the Star Spangled Banner. The old the boring Star Spangled Banner. It is played at all of our sporting events and one can't but notice the discontent of the watchers with it. Normally clapping begins when the song is not yet finished in order to drown out the remaining lines of this vestige of old America. I propose, in order to rid our selves of this snorefest, we change the National Anthem to Miley Cyrus's Party In the USA. It would be played at all events around the country, sporting, school, etc. In order to pay respect to the country and the flag one would have to Put Their Hands Up(when they're playing that song), Nod Their Head Like Yeah, and Move Their Hips Like Yeah. Along with that the entire crowd would have to clap to the beat when Miley sings, "And the Jay-Z song was on" or "And the Britney song was on." As we enter our new millenium the nation is changing and so should our national anthem.

Are Spies Trained To Conceal Their Farts

Are spies trained to conceal their farts? I think they must be. If they're not then the littlest slip up could jeapordize their whole mission. Imagine if a spy is doing clandestine work in Russia and they are in the Kremlin looking through old Cold War files when all of a sudden, toot, a tiny little fart slips. Now security is all over them and the mission is a failure. I think there is no doubt that there is training to conceal flatulence for our spies.

Homeless People

Today I saw a homeless man laying on the street and he looked so happy. He was laying on a swere grate on West Fourth Street just doing his thing, living life the way he wanted to. He was curled up in a big red blanket with a jumbo case of Jelly Belly brand jelly beans next to him. Now that is happiness. Living life on your own terms. With your own jumbo case of Jelly Bellies. that is the way I would someday like to live.

Do Lifeguards at Nudist Colonies where bathing suits?

Do Lifeguards at Nudist Colonies where bathing suits? The easy answer seems to be no they do not. They are at a nudist colony therefore why do they have to. But this issue is more complicated than that. First of all if they were to be nude how are they to be distinguished from the patrons. If everyone is nude how does one know which person is a guard. There is no possible way to tell them apart. You may say painting but that comes with to many risks, such as allergies etc. Apart from all of this though, I don't think that everyone at the colony would be comfortable with nude lifeguards. If I am a nudist, while I may be comfortable with nudes around me, I may not be comfortable with nudes touching me. If I am being saved I may not want a male lifeguards stuff all up in mine, and this goes for both male and female. The idea of a nude lifeguard is not feasable and would not work. Ever.

An Apology To My Prom Date

Dear Prom Date,

I would like to apologize because you have to take me to prom. I also want to thank you for accepting my parents money to go with me.

From Your Prom Date

The Sun

I can't take the sun anymore. All he does is sit up in the sky and burn us and scorch us and make us uncomfortable. He is a bully that needs to be stopped. If anyone has any ideas on how to get rid of this fiend, this menacing, towering bully please let me know.

My Apologies

My apologies for not posting in a while. If i am correct I have not posted since before memorial day weekend. I am sorry. I was in a lawsuit because the family of one of my readers was suing me. The reader had died from a heart attack while reading my blog and they blamed it on me. But I am back and my power over you has grown in my absence and I will be controlling your minds with this new post.

What To Say to Someone while standing next to them in a Urinal(women you may not understand this)

1. "You look dehydrated"
2. "Have you had asparagus recently"
3. "I didn't realize they made these that big"
4. "Do you need a spotter?"

Historical Farts- Theodore Roosevelt

While giving a speech on his Bull Moose Campaign Trail in 1912, Teddy Roosevelt saw a man pull out a gun from close range. The man John Schrank was spotted by Roosevelt out of the corner of his eye. Instead of calling on the Secret Service to stop Schrank, Roosevelt used this oppurtunity to conceal a fart he had been keeping in all speech. As the shot fired, he let it out. After a brief pause he continued the speech.

An Exchange Between Two Friends

"I hate you" was what Joseph said to his friend upon entering the same hallway.
"What?" asked the friend, who went by the name of Stephen(pronounced Stef-on)
"I said I hate you."
"Why do you hate me."
"I hate you because of the way you feel about Tskara. You know the way I feel about her and you are going to pursue her in an emotional relationship anyway."
"I didn't know the way you felt about her. Sorry. I'll stop."
"No don't."
"Why not you said you hate me."
"Yeah I know."
"Then I'll stop pursuing her in an emotional relationship."
"Don't."
"But you'll hate me if I do."
"Yes I will, but don't."
"Ok, I guess bye then."
"Ok, bye, I hate you."

I know its been a while

The Journey back is shorter than the journey there.

Captain Crunch

Last night my friend brought up a good point to me. Why hasn't Captain Crunch been promoted? Captain Crunch has held his position of Captain since 193. He's been there through Vietnam and both Iraq conflicts. He is a seasoned veteran and at this point should have been promoted to general, corporal, admiral, etc. Many theorize the reasons for this man's stagnation. Some accuse the military of screwing over the Captain. Others are suspicious that the Captain is not the most ethical commander and that having him moved up to a higher position would put him under more public scrutiny. But the bottom line though is Captain Crunch is a quaker. Quakers are not held in favor in the upper ranks of the military. And now with General Mills in control, the quakers have a harder time rising up the ranks in the military. It is so sad that just an affiliation with Quaker keeps the Captain from rising in the ranks, but until General Mills is replaced, men like Captain Crunch will not find promotions and will be stuck forever in their positions.

Sitcoms

I have recently been comissioned by an undisclosed network to create a sitcom for their channel. Here are my ideas.



1. Breaking Loose- Inmates on death row and their hilarious attempts to escape from prison

2. Chocolate Moussolini- Benito Mussolini wanted to create the greatest Chocolate Mousse ever, when he failed he became the fascist dictator of Italy

3. One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich- A comedic adaptation of Alexander Solzhenitsyn's 1962 Masterpiece about life in a Soviet Gulag.

4. I don't have a title of this one yet- The daily life of a sea sponge in his underwater community which is used as a microcosm of our present day society. Some characters; A pink starfish as the sponge's best friend, I insinuate that they are homosexuals; A squid as the sponge's neighbor, facial features look like a male reproductive organ, he is a satire on "high society"; a squirrel who represents female power; a crab as the sponge's boss, he represents capitalism

The Game

I just lost the game.

Ep.1 Surviving in the North

Hi everyone, last Monday I said I would publish my exclusive interview with explorer Henry Hudson. I now have gathered enough information through these interviews to give you a series of episodes on his incredible journey. We begin with Episode 1, Surviving in the North.



The winter of 1611 had been a tough one. Hudson and his crew had been trapped on the shores of James Bay in Canada. The water had been frozen and the only thing the crew could do was sit and survive until the ice thawed. No one expected to survive that long. Hudson said, "We all thought death was right around the corner. Not a week went by without a death. It hung in the air like a bad fart." But the crew did make it through to spring. As the ice thawed, the question arose of what to do next. "We had all expected to die that winter. No one thought of what we would do when the ice thawed" said Hudson, "I had no interest in going back. I was already in debt in England. A bunch of creditors were after me and the only way I would have been able to pay them back was by finding the Northwest Passage. There was no way I was going back. So they staged a mutiny."

Hudson was tossed off the boat along with his son John and six other crewmen, three stricken with gout and the other three loyal to Hudson. The spring and summer passed with the eightsome hunting and cooking and looking for people to settle with. Early on the three members with gout died. They were used to food. "We had to resort to cannibalism, " says Hudson, "food wasn't really steady and we needed stability. Their corpses brought that."

Spring turned into summer and summer turned into fall and fall turned into winter and Hudson was where he had been the year before, stuck in the cold. December and January went by and the group of five continued to live off of what they had gathered in the fall. But as February began. They were running out of food. "I was starving. My son was starving. My men were starving. We were miserable." One morning Hudson left his son at camp as he and the other three men went to gather food. He returned dragging the corpses of the men to camp. "I don't want to talk about how I killed them. Its not one of my prouder moments."

Winter eventually came to an end and the Hudsons found themselves in the same position as the previous year. In August they found a hamlet of Metis Native Americans living on a river. The tribe took them in and gave them shelter in food. The tribe eventually demanded pay, so faced with the possibility of a scalping, Hudson sold his son into slavery. Later on the Metis traded him to another tribe and Hudson never saw his son again."I'm not going to say I've been a perfect man. I've done some things I regret. But everything I've done has been for survival."

My New Discovery

Over the last two weeks I have discovered an incredible beverage. No its not cough syrup for those of you who guessed, it is Tea. For a long time I had been in the mindset that tea was drank by my mother and old people and the English and the Chinese. But one night at work after my third cup of coffee which I drink black(style points) I decided to try tea. I loved it. It is such an eloquent drink. I could feel my social class rising as I drank it out of my styrafoam cup. I suddenly felt sophisticated. I began drinking tea throughout the next week and I have to say I am addicted. Green Tea, Earl Grey Tea, Tea Tea, I love it. I am a convert to tea drinking. It is lovely I have to say.

The Most Dangerous Word in the English Language

It has come to my attention that the English Speaking World is under threat. No it is not the arabic language, but a homegrown word that is threataning the lives of millions. This incredibly dangerous word is inflammable. Many of us are aware of the word flammable. Fire, Blaze, volatile, forest fire are all words that our minds associate with flammable. On the other hand inflammable sounds much safer than its brother flammable. The in implies not, so when one sees inflammable they are led to believe that the product they are dealing with cannot catch on fire. Little do they know that the item they are dealing with may at any time catch fire and burn them. Do you know how many people die in a year due to their ignorance of inflammablity? Well neither do I but I would like to know because I bet its a pretty high number. Anyhow that number whatever it is, is that number to many. There should not be as many deaths as a result to confusion over inflammableness as there are. People need to be made aware of this threat to our society.

99 Problems

In his hit hip hop song 99 Problems, Jay Z says he has 99 problem but none of these problems are a "bitch"(also known as a woman). This got me wondering what could Jay Z's 99 problems be. So I decided to make a list of what I think they are. Remember A Bitch Isn't One.



I started off by reading his lyrics and I was able to find 9 problems

1. The Rap Patrol


2. The Gat Patrol


3. Foes that want to make sure my(Jay Z's) caskets closed


4. Rap Critics


5. Radio


6. Rap Mags who use him(that is censored)


7. The Law(no comment)


8. The Paparazzi


9. The D.A.(no comment)

So through the lyrics I was able to eliminate nine problems which now leaves me with ninety. I am now going to eliminate another thirty with one word. Taxes. I will now begin the countdown of Jay-Z's sixty other problems. I am making all of these up. They are not his actual problems, this is my made up fictional account of his problems(Taxes are included in this).

1. A Passport
   
2. He went over the limits of his credit card.


3. The brim of his hat got a bend in it.


4. The Yankees recent loss to the Florida Marlins in the 2003 World Series(Jay is a big Yankee fan for those of you not in the know)
5. Taxes, dammit already said that
6. The ending of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, which had made him very angry especially at Cornelius Fudge, the minister of magic.
7. Sirius Black's death in the Order of the Phoenix.
8. Auto Tune
9. Lost
10. Eminem
11. Kanye West
12. Biggie
13. Tupac
14. Method Man
15. Red Man
16. Outkast
17. Napster
18. iTunes
19. His record Label
20. A Visa
21. Working Papers
22. The plumbing in his new home
23. The electricity in his new home
24. Taxes
25. Dammit again
26. Cholera
27. His dog's medication for heart worms
28. His cat's medication for heart worms
29. His Badgers medication for heart worms
30. Radiohead
31. Severus Snape
32. Bellatrix Lestrange
33. Voldemort
34. His iPhone
35. wait they didn't exist then
36. scratch that one
37. Elmer Fudd
38. Someone broke into his house and deflated all his basketballs
39. And left a massive dump in his toilet
40. It was clogged for the next week
41. A woman
42. Wait that doesn't count
43. Pirates
44. Baltic Pirates
45. Internet Pirating
46. Pirated DVDs(he always bought ones that didn't work)
47. Geese
48. Ducks
49. Flamingos
50. Lawn Flamingos
51. Garden Gnomes
52. Real Gnomes
53. A computer virus
54. A virus virus
55. Urban Outfitters(its the root of all evil)
56. American Apparell
57. Skinny Jeans
58. Hipsters
59. Gangstas
60. Women

The Strangest Human Body Part Ever

Last Saturday I was sitting in my basement with a few friends of mine. One, Marvin Carvin, had recently undergone knee surgery. He was discussing the strangeness of his thigh above the surgerified knee. He said how in phyisical therapy he noticed the squishiness of it. He told me to feel it. I did. It is an experience I will never forget. I grabbed the thigh and began massaging it gently. The muscle had turned into a squishy mass of part of the human body. It felt like skin covered jello. The jelloiness had me hooked. I continued to grope Marvin's thigh for the rest of the night and into the school week. I could not get enough. It was so strangely drawing me in, like a halfway inflated air mattress. The mushy gushy squishiness of it is still implanted in my memory. So I highly suggest if you have any friends, acquaintances, or random people who have recently had knee surgery, fell their thigh above the surgerized knee, it will be an unforgettable experience that you will carry with you for at least a week

The Benefits of Ziplines

Ziplines are an incredible method of transportation. They allow the rider, more commonly known as the zipper, to glide peacefully and quickly from place to place. They are extremely effective and are not used enough in our society. All of our country's transportation involves cars, trains, and other motor vehicles. We need to get rid of this trend. If we replaced our motor transportation with the swift zipline, we would get rid of all our transportation problems. One of the main problems with our current travel methods is exhaust and the release of harmful gases into the air. With the zipline this does not happen. There is no use of any gas in the zipline(besides human flatulence). It does not create pollution like the traditional vehicles. It will be much safer for the environment if we implement ziplines as our main mode of travel. Another benefit of this natural transportation is that we will no longer be slaves to gas prices. We are a country that lives off of gasoline. It keeps us running. Everyyear we dump millions into the oil industry. By using ziplines, we take away the chains that tie us to gasoline and oil. Along with the environmental benefits, ziplines will also bring about a safer way of getting from place to place. It will eliminate traffic accidents. With the zipline, there is an even speed for everyone and offenses such as illegal turns, driving off the road, and driving on the wrong side of the street, will be succesfully eliminated. If the driver is not fully attentive this will no longer be a problem. There is no way to stray from your lane and the only way to change direction will be at the strategically placed towers which will hold the system together. Also, the problem that is Drunk Driving will be eliminated. There will be no problem with drunk ziplining. Well there might be, but its not as bad as drunk driving. While someone who is drunk driving endangers himself and others around him, the drunk zipliner does not. The drunk zipliner can only hurt himself. This can be done in a number of ways. Not strapping properly into his harness, not strapping his harness properly to the line, or falling off one of the towers. In no way does this harm anyone besides the drunk. Ziplines allows itself for use by drunks. It does not put others in harms way when a drunk is ziplining and therefore does not create a large problem. The ziplines final benefit is its quickness. Instead of starting a car and putting it in drive and backing out of the driveway and making a K-Turn before they start their voyage, a zipper only has to clip and zip. The zipper is on their way faster than the driver. In a recent timed experiment in my head, it took a driver five minutes to make a mile journey, while it took a zipper two minutes. This is a three minute difference. Imagine this ratio and greater lengths though. Say, five hours to three hours or five days to three days. In a world increasingly dependent on innovative transportation, I suggest the zipline as an environmentally friendly, safe, and quick way of travel.

Arrgh! My Adventures With The Baltic Pirates

Prologue(The Early Days)
The Baltic Pirates are some of humanities most vicious creatures. They have a mixed background of Polish, Estonian, Latvian, and Finnish descent. Terrorizing all boats and coastal villages that is not of their heritage, they have grown even more brutal and more audacious with the dying out of pirating. They still though insist on not attacking those who share their ansesctry. The Baltic Pirates have been operating since the days of the Napoleonic Wars. As Napoleon ate up the European Mainland the British began blockading Baltic Ports to stop Napoleons supply line. Without the ability to trade, the many living in the Baltic States became angry. They were outraged with both the British blockade and the Napoleonic takeover. Dozens of homegrown pirate movements started in the different states, but none were powerful enough to do any damage to either of their foes. With no success the pirate movement began to fade out until Kalislaw Snatkozkev put forth the idea of a unifying the pirates into one powerful fleet. With this the Baltic Pirates were born and began a reign of terror against British ships that ransacked thousands of Royal Navy ships. The Baltic Pirates restored the flow of trade through the sea and became folk heroes in their home states. Songs were written about them, for example-
Ode To Kalislaw Snatkozkev
O!ulah, O!ulah
O!gourkey, O!gourkey
O!siegfried, O!Siegfried
O!Corkey, O!Corkey
The men were loved by their people and had become household names. But as Napoleon and his army went back home to France and the British Navy returned to their insignificant island, the Baltic Pirates no longer had a purpose. They seemed destined to fall apart like the Populist Movement in American History. Snatkozkev became depressed. He tried multiple times to end his life which had meant so much to the people of his homeland, but he couldn't. The pirates were going on raids like they had done before, but they were meaningless. Targeting the Lithuanians was just not as interesting as the British Royal Navy, they needed a challenge. So in 1812, Snatkozkev made the decision to face their former foes, the British Royal Navy. Upon arriving in British seas, they found no one there. It was completely deserted. It was like the navy didn't exist. They sailed ashore and went to the naval offices and asked where they could be. They were told that the Navy was in America fighting the War of 1812 and that they could come back at another time if they wanted to go into combat. Snatkozkev was not going to take this for an answer, so he shot the secretary and left for America, specifically Lake Eerie where he felt the Royal Navy would be. The transatlantic journey was a long one and a few died on it due to an outbreak of mad cows disease on the boat. On Septemeber 10, 1813 the fleet showed up in Lake Eerie and found themselves amid fighting. They quickly began to attack British ships. As the day wore on, an American ship(the USS Lawrence) was decimated by British fire. Perry grabbed onto the some of the remains of the ship and managed to stay afloat for a few hours. At about 5 O'Clock PM, Snatkozkev saw the stranded Perry laying on a piece of wood calling for help. Snatkozkev picked him up and took him aboard. The two began a joint command similar to the Arthur-Nimitz campaign in the Pacific. Together they were able to push the Royal Navy out of the Lake. For the next five months, the Baltic Pirates continued to fight the Royal Navy in American Seas with the American Navy. When it came time to leave though, Snatkozkev knew he couldn't. During his time in America, he had fallen deeply in love with Hazard Perry and couldn't leave him. After so many years of searching for meaning in life, he finally found it with Hazard Perry. He stepped down from the position of Chief Pirate and handed it down to a young Latvian man named Bendiks Bregita. And, as Snatkozkev held Hazard Perry in his arms on the porch of their Martha's Vineyard Colonial, the Baltic Pirates sailed into the night more energized than ever before.

Tune in Next Week for "Prologue Part II:(German Nationalism and the First World War)"

The Disadvantages of a Button Down Fly

The most common machine for pant closing is the zipper. It is convenient and efficient. The average time for a zipper fly is under a second. From then on it stays closed until the next time you go to the bathroom, take them off, flash someone, etc. While it seems like no jean manufacturer in their right mind would use any device besides the zipper, everyday thousands of button flied jeans are produced everyday. There is a cult following for button flies and while these followers have a right to buy their jeans with buttons, all they do is create an inconvenience for the many shoppers who accidentally buy these jeans. These buyers then have to deal with months of inconvenience from their button fly jeans. First of all the time of closing their pants now lengthens by three seconds. It takes four seconds to button up a pair of pants. It takes one to zipper them. Along with the time of closing, the button fly also comes with the inconvenience that they may become unbuttoned throughout the day. There is no security of closure like the zipper. With buttons, at any point they could open up and expose ones underwear. With the zipper this is not a problem.

Henry Hudson Lives!!!!

Henry Hudson is currently living in the laundry room of my basement. Thought to be dead after a mutiny by his crew in the sixteen hundreds, Hudson is still living and he is alive and well. My family feeds Hudson and lets him use the amentities to our house and he organizes our extensive map collection. It is a mutual symbiotic relationship. Hudson is a kind fellow. He keeps to himself and reads maps and books. He always washes up for dinner and he also says a big thank you after the meal. Hudson is a bit paranoid though after being mutinied. He jumps and the slightest movement and always sits with his back up against the wall. His paranoia also draws from the British Governments search for him. Ever since England became knowledgeable of his survival they have been out to get him. They have sent military force(the Revolutionary War) and economic manuevering(the great depression) to weed Hudson out of his hiding place. The outstanding debts he owed at the time of his sailing were expected to be payed off when he returned. But due to the mutiny he has never payed them. The debts have grown exponentially since then and are now up to a number greater than the debt of the United States. Therefore he has been in constant hiding for years. I have been attempting to disclose his exclusive story for Superman Walks Into a Museum to publish and I think he may. With his cooperation, I hope to give you the story of this amazing man.

Vocabulary of the Week

Sorry late night, here is your vocabulary of the week

Gerryphile- n. one who has an extreme love of the elderly

Continuation-v. the act of continuing an elderly persons life

Misanthropology- v. dislike for the subject of anthropology

Antiabanthro-adj.(I think) against non humans

Proverb of the Day

He who is blind has the best perception

The Lovely the Beautiful..... Elena Kagan

It has come to my attention that our dear leader President Obama has appointed a new Supreme Court Justice. It is Elena Kagan former soliciter general. Now all I have to say is it's about time. I have been watching the beautiful Ms. Kagan from afar while she held her former position. It is about time our leaders began appointing women of such beauty to the bench. I mean how many times can you look at the same old men holding the position of justice. As a society we need more beauties like Ms. Kagan on the post. The only thing unconstitutional about her is her beauty. Mr. Obama has been on an incredible string of appointees. I mean do we even need to discuss Judge Sotomayora. All I have to say is "Damn." Mr. Obama has a great taste in women and I hope he continues to appoint bombshells such as Ms. Sotomayora and Ms. Kagan.

Driving With Shopping Carts

This morning my friend Avery Davery got her drivers license. This got my mind to thinking about driving, specifically driving shopping carts. Driving a shopping cart is a skill that requires in depth knowledge of how to, first of all, work the cart and, second, work the aisles of the store in which you drive. I happen to be quite a skilled shopping cart driver. I keep to the speed limit throughout the store, yield for pedestrians(those who use shopping baskets), and most of all I go with the flow with traffic. This is probably one of the most important skills. With people moving in and out it is easy to become stagnant as you search for the item you want. You can't. Grocery store movement depends on the flow of traffic and a pileup will create a hazard to both the consumer and the grocerer. I have become an expert on driving with shopping carts and have driven in many different locales. I understand the difference between driving at Wall Mart or driving at a grocery store. Every store has a different identity and you need to become familiar with each setting. For example Target is a pretty sprawled out store. Each section is a good walk away from the other and it takes a large byway in order to get from department to department. Once you enter each department though, it becomes more compact and one must be careful as if driving in the city. It is a constant system of quick stops and starts and one must be attuned to that way of driving. Similar to this is driving in a grocery store. The driving is so compact it is like driving on the lower east side. Short and narrow streets, that only have one way of traffic flow. But one will find the correct flow in shopping cart driving in time. Just constant practice and manuevering will allow you to be able to develop the skills of shopping cart driving

Monopoly Money

With our economy going deeper and deeper into the Great Pit of Carkoon* I have the perfect solution to our financial woes. Monopoly Money. It would be the perfect way to issue money and we would instantly rebound with a greater prosperity than ever. All one would have to do is buy a few monopoly sets and there would be enough money to pay off mortgages and any other outstanding debts one owes. There are $15, 140 to a monopoly set. A game of monopoly only costs about $10 to $20 dollars. The profit one would make would be ridiculous. The purchase of multiple monopoly sets would leave someone in very comfortable living. There would be enough for credit card debts mortgages student loans etc. The time is now though. Our money is currently de standardized meaning the only way it is measured is by comparison to other currencies. With restandardization of money threatening we need to flood the market with monopoly money. It will create a better distribution of specie and stimulate the economy. My study of this process has led me to believe it will become President Andrew Jackson's Specie Circular. Although we might hit intial financial panic like the country did right after the Circular, we will eventually hit a time of prosperity like the ones in the twenties, eighties, fifties, and past decade. The only this time the prosperity will continue forever. So please the Time is Now! Call your congressmen, your senators, The President(his number is 9739543386), your dogs, your cats, your lobbyists, your Washington interns. Tell them we need to begin the coinage of Monopoly Money. It is imperitive.

A Letter to the Essex County Development and Construction Commission(if it exists)

Dear Essex County Development and Construction Commsion,

I was recently turning onto Bloomfield Ave and when the light turned to green there was so much traffic that I was unable to make my turn onto the street. The cars were so far backed up that they blocked the way into the road. This is ridiculous. Something needs to be done about the traffic situation on Bloomfield. I know as government beuracrats you don't have the ability to think of a solution, but I do. I propose that to eliminate the traffic problem on Bloomfield Avenue you ask the state to ask the federal government to fund the building of creating a second tier to Bloomfield Ave. The road would be similar to an expressway. It would have one exit in each town to get on and off. My studies show that most traffic on Bloomfield comes from people passing from town to town. If you make it so that the top level is used for this purpose it will get rid of over 50% of the congestion on the roads. This would then free up the lower level for those just trying to get to businesses in the towns they already live in. The creation of a "local" lower level and an "express" upper level will be the perfect cure to the traffic mess plagueing Bloomfield Ave. Also, Bloomfield is known for its parking problems. The creation of the upper level would allow access to parking facilities on top of businesses. I don't know how this will work. It probably wont but it seemed like a good idea. I will post my home drawn plans at a later point if you care to see.

Sincerely,

The Hawk

PS to my readers who don't know what Bloomfield Ave is sorry, once we get the federal funding you will no longer have to read about it.

Defense

I am going to make this quick because my sister is staring over my shoulder in anger. Apparently my friends don't think I am creative, smart, etc. awesome looking enough to create this amazing blog. So this is proof. Suck It everyone in my basement.

Proverb of the Day

He who walks with one shoe on is slightly off center

Who Am I

Now many of you may be thinking who is this writer who goes by the name of the Hawk. He seems like one of the best people ever and we don't know who he is. Who is he? I will tell you that I can't tell you my true identity. This is for a couple of reasons. In our present society it has become very easy to hide behind avatars and internet screen names because we are scared of what others think and of judgement. But this is not one of the reasons. The main reason is in order to succesfully write and investigate on the most pressing topics no one must know my identity. For example if The Tribe were to find out my real identity I would be in big trouble. My work depends on the use of this identity I have created, the Hawk. But if you are so determined to find out my true name feel free to guess in the comments at the bottom of this post. I will let you know if you are correct.

Good Semi Morning. Many of you readers may have heard of The Tribe. Many may have not. I have been investigating the Tribe and their many illegal activities. For those of you who don't the Tribe is a secret organization of Lacrosse Players. It's name from Lacrosse's heritage as a sport played by Native Americans in which they used severed heads as balls. Savage. You Will find that the Tribes doings are just as savage as the methods of scalping and pillaging used by their ancestors. With the sudden rise of Lacrosse in our nation's conscience the Tribe has become more active than ever. Their goal is to undermine pastimes such as Baseball and Football, through sensational headline stealing and a series of lies and other clandestine operations. For example, the steroid saga that has become the identity of baseball from 1990 to of recent. How do you think steroids became available in baseball. The Tribe. Through a careful operation of funding doctors the Tribe was able to funnel steroids into the hands of baseball trainers who then injected their players with them. As attendence for baseball swelled and the sport was at the height of its popularity from 1998-2003, the Tribe went into Phase II of the plan. Through the tipping off of journalists they were able to question of the sport of baseball. As the decade drew on it seemed like the saga would not end. Baseball and Steroids became sinonomous. Fans became disillusioned and turned to Lacrosse in their despair. It was a tactical success for the Tribe. Similar to the Iranian Coup by the CIA in the Fifties in which the CIA deposed Mosadeq and replaced him with the Shah, this has given the Tribe confidence and they have been working rapidly since then. This is not an indictment of all Lacrosse players. It is not a bad sport, it is quite enjoyable to watch and many of its players are good people who are not interested in the illegal activity of the tribe. In fact I know quite a few Lacrosse players who want the destruction of the Tribe. They feel as if it has given the sport a bad name and in order to save the sport from scandal want to see the Tribe ended. There is nothing wrong with Lacrosse but there is something wrong with the Tribe. It is unethical illegal and an black mark on the sport. We need to bring it down before it brings about the demise of athletics in our country. I will continue my work and I need you, the reader and sports activist, to let me know if you find any information I can use in my investigation. The time is now to bring down the Tribe before it is to late. Thank You

Proverb of the Day

This is one of the programs I am going to do on Superman Walks Into a Museum. It is called the Proverb of the day. Each day I will post a completely original proverb from me.

He Who Lives In A House of Mirrors, Is Constantly Reminded of Himself

This Is My Blog

This is my blog. It goes by the name of Superman walks into a museum. This is the first half of a joke a few friends and I created. It goes "Superman walks into a museum. He asks for their tour times." Don't think this is a strictly joke blog. It is not. What you will be getting from your reading of this blog is; Fiction, Psuedo-Nonfiction, Philosophical Thought, Miscellaneous Information that pops into my head, History related Rants, Comments on things, and other things. If you like this blog good, I hope you continue reading and I hope you pass it on to others to read. If you don't like it no hard feelings, feel free to stop reading, or continue reading if you want to be filled with anger at my posts. Also feel free to comment as long as its not something along the lines of "I hate this Blog and anyone who reads it is dumb and the writer is dumb." That will make me sad. If you decide you need to offer criticism make it something like "Not Your best try again next time." That will not make me sad. But try to post things that will make me happy like "We love you keep writing and never stop because it makes me happy every time you do." I hope you enjoy this