Eight Great Places to Take a Vuvuzela

1. A Tennis Match
2. A Movie Theater
3. An Art Museum
4. A Library
5. A Golf Course
6. A Wake
7. A Church
8. An Emergency Room

The Three Funnest Things to Do While You Wait For the Shower to Warm Up

1. Distort and Manipulate your face in the mirror.
2. Distort and Manipulate your voice while you look in the mirror.
3. Distort and Manipulate your face and voice while you sing the entire album In the Aeroplane Over the Sea by Neutral Milk Hotel, in the mirror.

The Aquarium

While I was in New Orleans our group of volunteers went to the Aquarium in that lovely city. Aquariums are always a great time, you know. Seeing little sea critters trapped behind glass which you can tap on in order to torture them, I really can't think of more fun things than that. But torturing the fish was really all just a blur and I can only really recall three things from this nautical nonsence. First was my ultimate stare down with those infernal spawns of satan, the disgusting, the fowl, Moray Eels. I have an absolute compulsive fear of these satanic creatures of the deep so when I first saw them out of the corner of my eye I tried to walk away but I couldn't. So I manned up went in front of the tank, stared the eel in the eyes and said "F*** You, I am not F****** scared of you you piece of shit." My next memory is the Barracuda Exhibit. I have held a grunge against the entire race of Barracudas after their behavior in Finding Nemo, and I made sure they knew it. I put my face up to the glass and said, "I know what you did to Nemo's family and if there wasn't a layer of plexiglass in front of us so help me god I would spear you right between your two ugly eyes." When he didn't answer me I began to bang on the glass and curse at them. Apparently this was inappropriate because Aquarium Security pulled me off the glass and escorted me out. On my way out they escorted me through the Gulf of Mexico exhibit and out of the corner of my eye I spotted the sponsers of the exhibit. At the top of that list was none other than BP. Aren't aquariums great.