Historical Farts- Theodore Roosevelt

While giving a speech on his Bull Moose Campaign Trail in 1912, Teddy Roosevelt saw a man pull out a gun from close range. The man John Schrank was spotted by Roosevelt out of the corner of his eye. Instead of calling on the Secret Service to stop Schrank, Roosevelt used this oppurtunity to conceal a fart he had been keeping in all speech. As the shot fired, he let it out. After a brief pause he continued the speech.

An Exchange Between Two Friends

"I hate you" was what Joseph said to his friend upon entering the same hallway.
"What?" asked the friend, who went by the name of Stephen(pronounced Stef-on)
"I said I hate you."
"Why do you hate me."
"I hate you because of the way you feel about Tskara. You know the way I feel about her and you are going to pursue her in an emotional relationship anyway."
"I didn't know the way you felt about her. Sorry. I'll stop."
"No don't."
"Why not you said you hate me."
"Yeah I know."
"Then I'll stop pursuing her in an emotional relationship."
"Don't."
"But you'll hate me if I do."
"Yes I will, but don't."
"Ok, I guess bye then."
"Ok, bye, I hate you."

I know its been a while

The Journey back is shorter than the journey there.

Captain Crunch

Last night my friend brought up a good point to me. Why hasn't Captain Crunch been promoted? Captain Crunch has held his position of Captain since 193. He's been there through Vietnam and both Iraq conflicts. He is a seasoned veteran and at this point should have been promoted to general, corporal, admiral, etc. Many theorize the reasons for this man's stagnation. Some accuse the military of screwing over the Captain. Others are suspicious that the Captain is not the most ethical commander and that having him moved up to a higher position would put him under more public scrutiny. But the bottom line though is Captain Crunch is a quaker. Quakers are not held in favor in the upper ranks of the military. And now with General Mills in control, the quakers have a harder time rising up the ranks in the military. It is so sad that just an affiliation with Quaker keeps the Captain from rising in the ranks, but until General Mills is replaced, men like Captain Crunch will not find promotions and will be stuck forever in their positions.

Sitcoms

I have recently been comissioned by an undisclosed network to create a sitcom for their channel. Here are my ideas.



1. Breaking Loose- Inmates on death row and their hilarious attempts to escape from prison

2. Chocolate Moussolini- Benito Mussolini wanted to create the greatest Chocolate Mousse ever, when he failed he became the fascist dictator of Italy

3. One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich- A comedic adaptation of Alexander Solzhenitsyn's 1962 Masterpiece about life in a Soviet Gulag.

4. I don't have a title of this one yet- The daily life of a sea sponge in his underwater community which is used as a microcosm of our present day society. Some characters; A pink starfish as the sponge's best friend, I insinuate that they are homosexuals; A squid as the sponge's neighbor, facial features look like a male reproductive organ, he is a satire on "high society"; a squirrel who represents female power; a crab as the sponge's boss, he represents capitalism

The Game

I just lost the game.

Ep.1 Surviving in the North

Hi everyone, last Monday I said I would publish my exclusive interview with explorer Henry Hudson. I now have gathered enough information through these interviews to give you a series of episodes on his incredible journey. We begin with Episode 1, Surviving in the North.



The winter of 1611 had been a tough one. Hudson and his crew had been trapped on the shores of James Bay in Canada. The water had been frozen and the only thing the crew could do was sit and survive until the ice thawed. No one expected to survive that long. Hudson said, "We all thought death was right around the corner. Not a week went by without a death. It hung in the air like a bad fart." But the crew did make it through to spring. As the ice thawed, the question arose of what to do next. "We had all expected to die that winter. No one thought of what we would do when the ice thawed" said Hudson, "I had no interest in going back. I was already in debt in England. A bunch of creditors were after me and the only way I would have been able to pay them back was by finding the Northwest Passage. There was no way I was going back. So they staged a mutiny."

Hudson was tossed off the boat along with his son John and six other crewmen, three stricken with gout and the other three loyal to Hudson. The spring and summer passed with the eightsome hunting and cooking and looking for people to settle with. Early on the three members with gout died. They were used to food. "We had to resort to cannibalism, " says Hudson, "food wasn't really steady and we needed stability. Their corpses brought that."

Spring turned into summer and summer turned into fall and fall turned into winter and Hudson was where he had been the year before, stuck in the cold. December and January went by and the group of five continued to live off of what they had gathered in the fall. But as February began. They were running out of food. "I was starving. My son was starving. My men were starving. We were miserable." One morning Hudson left his son at camp as he and the other three men went to gather food. He returned dragging the corpses of the men to camp. "I don't want to talk about how I killed them. Its not one of my prouder moments."

Winter eventually came to an end and the Hudsons found themselves in the same position as the previous year. In August they found a hamlet of Metis Native Americans living on a river. The tribe took them in and gave them shelter in food. The tribe eventually demanded pay, so faced with the possibility of a scalping, Hudson sold his son into slavery. Later on the Metis traded him to another tribe and Hudson never saw his son again."I'm not going to say I've been a perfect man. I've done some things I regret. But everything I've done has been for survival."