The National Anthem

We are all familiar with our nations National Anthem, the Star Spangled Banner. The old the boring Star Spangled Banner. It is played at all of our sporting events and one can't but notice the discontent of the watchers with it. Normally clapping begins when the song is not yet finished in order to drown out the remaining lines of this vestige of old America. I propose, in order to rid our selves of this snorefest, we change the National Anthem to Miley Cyrus's Party In the USA. It would be played at all events around the country, sporting, school, etc. In order to pay respect to the country and the flag one would have to Put Their Hands Up(when they're playing that song), Nod Their Head Like Yeah, and Move Their Hips Like Yeah. Along with that the entire crowd would have to clap to the beat when Miley sings, "And the Jay-Z song was on" or "And the Britney song was on." As we enter our new millenium the nation is changing and so should our national anthem.

Are Spies Trained To Conceal Their Farts

Are spies trained to conceal their farts? I think they must be. If they're not then the littlest slip up could jeapordize their whole mission. Imagine if a spy is doing clandestine work in Russia and they are in the Kremlin looking through old Cold War files when all of a sudden, toot, a tiny little fart slips. Now security is all over them and the mission is a failure. I think there is no doubt that there is training to conceal flatulence for our spies.

Homeless People

Today I saw a homeless man laying on the street and he looked so happy. He was laying on a swere grate on West Fourth Street just doing his thing, living life the way he wanted to. He was curled up in a big red blanket with a jumbo case of Jelly Belly brand jelly beans next to him. Now that is happiness. Living life on your own terms. With your own jumbo case of Jelly Bellies. that is the way I would someday like to live.

Do Lifeguards at Nudist Colonies where bathing suits?

Do Lifeguards at Nudist Colonies where bathing suits? The easy answer seems to be no they do not. They are at a nudist colony therefore why do they have to. But this issue is more complicated than that. First of all if they were to be nude how are they to be distinguished from the patrons. If everyone is nude how does one know which person is a guard. There is no possible way to tell them apart. You may say painting but that comes with to many risks, such as allergies etc. Apart from all of this though, I don't think that everyone at the colony would be comfortable with nude lifeguards. If I am a nudist, while I may be comfortable with nudes around me, I may not be comfortable with nudes touching me. If I am being saved I may not want a male lifeguards stuff all up in mine, and this goes for both male and female. The idea of a nude lifeguard is not feasable and would not work. Ever.

An Apology To My Prom Date

Dear Prom Date,

I would like to apologize because you have to take me to prom. I also want to thank you for accepting my parents money to go with me.

From Your Prom Date

The Sun

I can't take the sun anymore. All he does is sit up in the sky and burn us and scorch us and make us uncomfortable. He is a bully that needs to be stopped. If anyone has any ideas on how to get rid of this fiend, this menacing, towering bully please let me know.

My Apologies

My apologies for not posting in a while. If i am correct I have not posted since before memorial day weekend. I am sorry. I was in a lawsuit because the family of one of my readers was suing me. The reader had died from a heart attack while reading my blog and they blamed it on me. But I am back and my power over you has grown in my absence and I will be controlling your minds with this new post.

What To Say to Someone while standing next to them in a Urinal(women you may not understand this)

1. "You look dehydrated"
2. "Have you had asparagus recently"
3. "I didn't realize they made these that big"
4. "Do you need a spotter?"