Fuck BING

I ran a search on my blog today. Little did I know that my search engine was the piece of shit that is BING. Superman was not listed in the search. I then searched it on google and the first hit was Superman. So basically Bing can go suck a large fat piece of chicken cutlet.

Facebook

Over the past few months I have been taking my friend's blackberry when her guard is down and setting embarrasing facebook statuses. It went on so long her aunt(who happens to be her facebook friend) began commenting on these statuses saying that whoever was doing this was "immature" and suggested to my friend to get new friends. My friend throughly embarrased, first blocked her aunt on facebook and then sadly blocked me from her phone via a lock.(Note to all I will figure out how to get around the lock). So in honor of the facebook film The Social Network, I offer you five of the posts

1. Senior year starting off with a bang love yyou girlsssssss


2. workin like a dawggg at da p double o l


3. To quote Wayne Coyne "life goes fast/its hard to make the good times last" lets savor these last months together girls


4. feeling like the worlds sassiest spitfire... if you agree like this super statusss!!!


5. vtown lifeguard girls were undeniable. daisy dukes one pieces on top

Has Eugene Levy Ever Been In A Movie Other Than an American Pie

Today at lunch I was forced to choose between watching Maid in Manhattan on FX or American Pie Beta House on Comedy Central. After much consideration I decided I couldn't watch a movie based on the presence of Patrick Dempsy alone so I chose the American Pie which happens to be the sixth in this series. About ten minutes in, much to my surprise,method actor Eugene Levy entered into the picture. I actually take that back, I was not surprised that Eugene Levy appeared and he is not a method actor, he literally plays the same character in every movie, and every movie for him happens to be an American Pie movie. I really don't think Mr. Levy has appeared in a movie that's title does not begin with American Pie. Once again I correct myself, he has also appeared in the masterpiece Cheaper By The Dozen Two. I actually think Mr. Levy might not actually exist outside of these movies. I am going to go as far as say that there is no such person as Eugene Levy and that he is a creation by the directors of the American Pie series.

My Not So Epic Return

I am sorry to all of you who have spent the days since August 15 depraved with lack of Superman posts. But in true Shwarzennegar fasion "I am back." We all know about the economic downturn of our country. Our country can barely afford to pay its debts and is on the verge of bankruptcy. I propose a solution to fix this, it entails selling sponsorships to all our nations landmarks in order to raise revenue. Here are some early proposals.

The Washington Mutual Monument
The White Castle House
The Food and Drug Administration brought to you by Wendy's
Smith and Wesson's Smithsonian Institute
Macy's Department of the Interior (Martha Stewart Certified)
The Mall of America's National Mall
Chick-fiLincoln Memorial

Eight Great Places to Take a Vuvuzela

1. A Tennis Match
2. A Movie Theater
3. An Art Museum
4. A Library
5. A Golf Course
6. A Wake
7. A Church
8. An Emergency Room

The Three Funnest Things to Do While You Wait For the Shower to Warm Up

1. Distort and Manipulate your face in the mirror.
2. Distort and Manipulate your voice while you look in the mirror.
3. Distort and Manipulate your face and voice while you sing the entire album In the Aeroplane Over the Sea by Neutral Milk Hotel, in the mirror.

The Aquarium

While I was in New Orleans our group of volunteers went to the Aquarium in that lovely city. Aquariums are always a great time, you know. Seeing little sea critters trapped behind glass which you can tap on in order to torture them, I really can't think of more fun things than that. But torturing the fish was really all just a blur and I can only really recall three things from this nautical nonsence. First was my ultimate stare down with those infernal spawns of satan, the disgusting, the fowl, Moray Eels. I have an absolute compulsive fear of these satanic creatures of the deep so when I first saw them out of the corner of my eye I tried to walk away but I couldn't. So I manned up went in front of the tank, stared the eel in the eyes and said "F*** You, I am not F****** scared of you you piece of shit." My next memory is the Barracuda Exhibit. I have held a grunge against the entire race of Barracudas after their behavior in Finding Nemo, and I made sure they knew it. I put my face up to the glass and said, "I know what you did to Nemo's family and if there wasn't a layer of plexiglass in front of us so help me god I would spear you right between your two ugly eyes." When he didn't answer me I began to bang on the glass and curse at them. Apparently this was inappropriate because Aquarium Security pulled me off the glass and escorted me out. On my way out they escorted me through the Gulf of Mexico exhibit and out of the corner of my eye I spotted the sponsers of the exhibit. At the top of that list was none other than BP. Aren't aquariums great.

New Orleans

Everyone I am sorry I will be leaving you for at least the next week. I am going to New Orleans and will be gone. On that note it is definately not reassuring to see that the weather is calling for some sort of tropical storm.

That Guy: That Guy Who Runs to the Rides at Water Parks

Today I was at a Water Park(thus the evident theme of the day). While I was there, I was that guy who runs to every ride. Who has to be there first. That guy who will beat you to the ride at all costs in order to go quicker. That guy who is willing to trample over your three your daughter in order to get on more rides. I was that jerk off.

The Water Park Song Song

Water Parks are Fun
You go there in the sun.
One Day I will own one.

It will have sharks at the bottom of every ride,
Barracudas at the bottom of every slide,
And Moray Eels on each tank's inside.

When the ride is finished
Your excitement won't be diminished
As you race these sea monsters you'll scream "blavinished"

Water Parks are Fun
You go there in the sun
One day I will own one.

I will not feed the monsters I keep
I will make them hungry beyond belief
So beware as you go sliding into the deep.

They will probably not have eaten for days
And your aroma will attract them like women to gays.
But this doesn't matter because I will be counting the money you pay.

Water Parks are Fun
You go there in the sun.
One Day I will own one.

Our food will be of first class.
But it won't be striped bass.
It will be something you won't want to pass.

The remains of the people who don't survive the treachorous swim
Is what will be served, so you'll eat a her or a him.
I assure you the taste is not very dim.

Water Parks are Fun
You go there in the sun.
One Day I will own one.

The National Anthem

We are all familiar with our nations National Anthem, the Star Spangled Banner. The old the boring Star Spangled Banner. It is played at all of our sporting events and one can't but notice the discontent of the watchers with it. Normally clapping begins when the song is not yet finished in order to drown out the remaining lines of this vestige of old America. I propose, in order to rid our selves of this snorefest, we change the National Anthem to Miley Cyrus's Party In the USA. It would be played at all events around the country, sporting, school, etc. In order to pay respect to the country and the flag one would have to Put Their Hands Up(when they're playing that song), Nod Their Head Like Yeah, and Move Their Hips Like Yeah. Along with that the entire crowd would have to clap to the beat when Miley sings, "And the Jay-Z song was on" or "And the Britney song was on." As we enter our new millenium the nation is changing and so should our national anthem.

Are Spies Trained To Conceal Their Farts

Are spies trained to conceal their farts? I think they must be. If they're not then the littlest slip up could jeapordize their whole mission. Imagine if a spy is doing clandestine work in Russia and they are in the Kremlin looking through old Cold War files when all of a sudden, toot, a tiny little fart slips. Now security is all over them and the mission is a failure. I think there is no doubt that there is training to conceal flatulence for our spies.

Homeless People

Today I saw a homeless man laying on the street and he looked so happy. He was laying on a swere grate on West Fourth Street just doing his thing, living life the way he wanted to. He was curled up in a big red blanket with a jumbo case of Jelly Belly brand jelly beans next to him. Now that is happiness. Living life on your own terms. With your own jumbo case of Jelly Bellies. that is the way I would someday like to live.

Do Lifeguards at Nudist Colonies where bathing suits?

Do Lifeguards at Nudist Colonies where bathing suits? The easy answer seems to be no they do not. They are at a nudist colony therefore why do they have to. But this issue is more complicated than that. First of all if they were to be nude how are they to be distinguished from the patrons. If everyone is nude how does one know which person is a guard. There is no possible way to tell them apart. You may say painting but that comes with to many risks, such as allergies etc. Apart from all of this though, I don't think that everyone at the colony would be comfortable with nude lifeguards. If I am a nudist, while I may be comfortable with nudes around me, I may not be comfortable with nudes touching me. If I am being saved I may not want a male lifeguards stuff all up in mine, and this goes for both male and female. The idea of a nude lifeguard is not feasable and would not work. Ever.

An Apology To My Prom Date

Dear Prom Date,

I would like to apologize because you have to take me to prom. I also want to thank you for accepting my parents money to go with me.

From Your Prom Date

The Sun

I can't take the sun anymore. All he does is sit up in the sky and burn us and scorch us and make us uncomfortable. He is a bully that needs to be stopped. If anyone has any ideas on how to get rid of this fiend, this menacing, towering bully please let me know.

My Apologies

My apologies for not posting in a while. If i am correct I have not posted since before memorial day weekend. I am sorry. I was in a lawsuit because the family of one of my readers was suing me. The reader had died from a heart attack while reading my blog and they blamed it on me. But I am back and my power over you has grown in my absence and I will be controlling your minds with this new post.

What To Say to Someone while standing next to them in a Urinal(women you may not understand this)

1. "You look dehydrated"
2. "Have you had asparagus recently"
3. "I didn't realize they made these that big"
4. "Do you need a spotter?"

Historical Farts- Theodore Roosevelt

While giving a speech on his Bull Moose Campaign Trail in 1912, Teddy Roosevelt saw a man pull out a gun from close range. The man John Schrank was spotted by Roosevelt out of the corner of his eye. Instead of calling on the Secret Service to stop Schrank, Roosevelt used this oppurtunity to conceal a fart he had been keeping in all speech. As the shot fired, he let it out. After a brief pause he continued the speech.

An Exchange Between Two Friends

"I hate you" was what Joseph said to his friend upon entering the same hallway.
"What?" asked the friend, who went by the name of Stephen(pronounced Stef-on)
"I said I hate you."
"Why do you hate me."
"I hate you because of the way you feel about Tskara. You know the way I feel about her and you are going to pursue her in an emotional relationship anyway."
"I didn't know the way you felt about her. Sorry. I'll stop."
"No don't."
"Why not you said you hate me."
"Yeah I know."
"Then I'll stop pursuing her in an emotional relationship."
"Don't."
"But you'll hate me if I do."
"Yes I will, but don't."
"Ok, I guess bye then."
"Ok, bye, I hate you."

I know its been a while

The Journey back is shorter than the journey there.