The Aquarium

While I was in New Orleans our group of volunteers went to the Aquarium in that lovely city. Aquariums are always a great time, you know. Seeing little sea critters trapped behind glass which you can tap on in order to torture them, I really can't think of more fun things than that. But torturing the fish was really all just a blur and I can only really recall three things from this nautical nonsence. First was my ultimate stare down with those infernal spawns of satan, the disgusting, the fowl, Moray Eels. I have an absolute compulsive fear of these satanic creatures of the deep so when I first saw them out of the corner of my eye I tried to walk away but I couldn't. So I manned up went in front of the tank, stared the eel in the eyes and said "F*** You, I am not F****** scared of you you piece of shit." My next memory is the Barracuda Exhibit. I have held a grunge against the entire race of Barracudas after their behavior in Finding Nemo, and I made sure they knew it. I put my face up to the glass and said, "I know what you did to Nemo's family and if there wasn't a layer of plexiglass in front of us so help me god I would spear you right between your two ugly eyes." When he didn't answer me I began to bang on the glass and curse at them. Apparently this was inappropriate because Aquarium Security pulled me off the glass and escorted me out. On my way out they escorted me through the Gulf of Mexico exhibit and out of the corner of my eye I spotted the sponsers of the exhibit. At the top of that list was none other than BP. Aren't aquariums great.

New Orleans

Everyone I am sorry I will be leaving you for at least the next week. I am going to New Orleans and will be gone. On that note it is definately not reassuring to see that the weather is calling for some sort of tropical storm.

That Guy: That Guy Who Runs to the Rides at Water Parks

Today I was at a Water Park(thus the evident theme of the day). While I was there, I was that guy who runs to every ride. Who has to be there first. That guy who will beat you to the ride at all costs in order to go quicker. That guy who is willing to trample over your three your daughter in order to get on more rides. I was that jerk off.

The Water Park Song Song

Water Parks are Fun
You go there in the sun.
One Day I will own one.

It will have sharks at the bottom of every ride,
Barracudas at the bottom of every slide,
And Moray Eels on each tank's inside.

When the ride is finished
Your excitement won't be diminished
As you race these sea monsters you'll scream "blavinished"

Water Parks are Fun
You go there in the sun
One day I will own one.

I will not feed the monsters I keep
I will make them hungry beyond belief
So beware as you go sliding into the deep.

They will probably not have eaten for days
And your aroma will attract them like women to gays.
But this doesn't matter because I will be counting the money you pay.

Water Parks are Fun
You go there in the sun.
One Day I will own one.

Our food will be of first class.
But it won't be striped bass.
It will be something you won't want to pass.

The remains of the people who don't survive the treachorous swim
Is what will be served, so you'll eat a her or a him.
I assure you the taste is not very dim.

Water Parks are Fun
You go there in the sun.
One Day I will own one.

The National Anthem

We are all familiar with our nations National Anthem, the Star Spangled Banner. The old the boring Star Spangled Banner. It is played at all of our sporting events and one can't but notice the discontent of the watchers with it. Normally clapping begins when the song is not yet finished in order to drown out the remaining lines of this vestige of old America. I propose, in order to rid our selves of this snorefest, we change the National Anthem to Miley Cyrus's Party In the USA. It would be played at all events around the country, sporting, school, etc. In order to pay respect to the country and the flag one would have to Put Their Hands Up(when they're playing that song), Nod Their Head Like Yeah, and Move Their Hips Like Yeah. Along with that the entire crowd would have to clap to the beat when Miley sings, "And the Jay-Z song was on" or "And the Britney song was on." As we enter our new millenium the nation is changing and so should our national anthem.

Are Spies Trained To Conceal Their Farts

Are spies trained to conceal their farts? I think they must be. If they're not then the littlest slip up could jeapordize their whole mission. Imagine if a spy is doing clandestine work in Russia and they are in the Kremlin looking through old Cold War files when all of a sudden, toot, a tiny little fart slips. Now security is all over them and the mission is a failure. I think there is no doubt that there is training to conceal flatulence for our spies.

Homeless People

Today I saw a homeless man laying on the street and he looked so happy. He was laying on a swere grate on West Fourth Street just doing his thing, living life the way he wanted to. He was curled up in a big red blanket with a jumbo case of Jelly Belly brand jelly beans next to him. Now that is happiness. Living life on your own terms. With your own jumbo case of Jelly Bellies. that is the way I would someday like to live.